3/03/2015

Bibi at Congress: A Fantasia

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu looked out over the gathered members of Congress today. "You are my harem," the Israeli leader said, "and I am your sultan. I could pluck any one of you out and bring back to my tent, adorn you in silk, and ask you if you're grateful that you get the privilege to suck the sultan's cock. You, there, Senator Tom Cotton, part your lips and smoke the cream pipe of paradise. Darrell Issa, your tongue looks ready to wash the leathery folds of the sultan's orb sack. Don't crowd, my concubines. I will bless each of you when my jism geyser is ready to erupt. Each of you will receive the gift of the sultan's pearls on your faces."

The concubines were joyous, especially because the sultan would be showing that foul Moor who presumed to lead them the proper way to take care of a harem. "The sultan thinks we're special," declared the oldest, scabbiest concubine. "I hope he is most pleased with how we pleasure him."

"Indeed," declared the filthiest concubine, "if only he would stay longer so we may enjoy his effulgence in our mouths, in our anuses, all over us."

Many of the concubines nodded. One of the younger concubines added, "I would gladly give up entire banquets just to place his sweaty man pole in my mouth one more time."

The old, scabby concubine brought them all together and offered comfort: "Do not worry. The sultan's thrusting flesh saber will always be ready whenever we wish to cross deserts and oceans to his palace. He will welcome us with open arms and raised robes, and, surely, we, each of us, knows what to do. Now let us turn around. The sultan's face is red. That means he is about to shoot forth."

The concubines pulled back their veils and opened their mouths so that a speck of the sultan's seed would strengthen them to turn their backs on their own people.

3/02/2015

CPAC: Phil Robertson Is Everything Conservative

There is no reason to write about the Conservative Political Action Conference, which took place this past weekend. You'd have to go to a Tea Party convention to find a larger gathering of deluded losers, compulsive masturbators, closeted gay evangelicals, and desperate politicians, all pretending that what they are doing and what they are saying has any significance beyond the ability of the organizers to scam the attendees out of some cash. No, indeed, one does not need to hear what kind of pandering Scott Walker or Chris Christie or Carly Fiorina or any other possible presidential candidate did to the cheers of the shit eaters in the Beelzebub Ballroom of Hell's Hilton.

What's fascinating was the way that the schedule of keynote speakers progressed, with pretenders and fakers splitting time with the mad and the irrelevant, a stream of supposed thinkers and leaders, all treated equally. So you could go from RNC chair Reince Preemie...Priebus, whatever, to Donald Trump to Rick Santorum to the crazed patriarch of the Duck Dynasty family, Phil Robertson. And it is here that the Rude Pundit wants to pause, just before huckster Wayne LaPierre and future loser to Hillary, Jeb Bush. Because Robertson, a man who made his fortune by making ducks want to fuck him so he could kill them, serves as an avatar for the entire conservative "movement," such that it is.

Standing at the podium, telling us how we all need to live our lives according to his book of faith, Robertson looked like Osama bin Laden in a post-9/11 video...oh, what, you think that's too hyperbolic? Fuckin' please, motherfucker:


Anyways, Robertson was so batshit crazy that actual bats thought, "He's making us look bad." What makes Robertson's speech, to a crowd that applauded, cheered, and laughed, so symbolic is that he said plainly what so many of the other conservatives tried to hide with a veneer of respectability. It's a good thing that Robertson's a dumb shit because he doesn't need to bother counting how many fucks he gives. So Robertson is free to be the rampant id, delighting the gathered misanthropes by tellin' 'em what's what.

Lecturing from his worn-out Bible from notes that have gotta be hilarious to read ("1. Jesus, 2. Gunz, 3. Don't fuck less yer marrd, 4. consteetooshun"), Robertson rambled for nearly 30 minutes, well past the scheduled time. He was there to pick up the, no shit, Andrew Breitbart Defender of the First Amendment Award. It's like if they gave a Nobel for being a racist, homophobic asshole.

Sure, he went on about gay marriage, about how we need to be more Christian, about how he can dress himself. But, mostly, he just didn't want anyone to catch the herp or any STDs: "What do you call the hundred and ten million who have sexually transmitted illnesses? It's the revenge of the hippies! Sex, drugs, and rock and roll have come back to haunt us, in a bad way." By the way, if you never had the pleasure of watching Duck Dynasty, the theme song was "Sharp-Dressed Man" by fellow beard enthusiasts ZZ Top. It's about how you can get laid if you dress well. It's from the album Eliminator, which features odes to fucking every which way, marriage not required.

Robertson wasn't done with the medical advice: "I mean, I'm reading this stuff from the CDC and it says, 'How many sexual encounters does one have to have to catch a sexually transmitted illness?' It said one. I'm figuring out the odds on that one. How many seconds does it take to get genital herpes? It said 30 seconds. I'm like, whoa, that's pretty quick." And he offered advice if you don't want to get any diseases: "You want a Godly, biblical, medically safe option—one man, one woman, married for life."

Oh, what else needs to be said? That Phil Robertson only wants women who are lesbians to run for office? "For you potential candidates, to keep you out of trouble and to keep the scandals down, let me give you a little word of advice. Carry two things with you wherever you go in case one of you gets to be the president of the United States. Make sure you carry your Bible and your woman." Well, either lesbians or he doesn't think women should run for office, but, surely, CPAC wouldn't invite someone so backwards to a prime speaking spot and a free speech award.

And, in an awesome bit of history, Robertson said, "Stand on the Bible. Stand on the Constitution. Don't budge. Hold onto your weapons. We had to have all three to run the Brits back to where they came from. We had to have all three when the Nazis reared their head. You say the Nazis? World domination was what Hitler had on his mind. Territorial conquest. There was no Jesus, none!" If you were there, you might have thought, "Um, I don't think there was a constitution when we were fighting the British, at least not the first time." But you're a beatnik who only wants to spread diseases with your hippie jizz.

The point here is not just to beat up on a rich man in redneck drag, a kind of cracker minstrel pushed out to dispense crazed backwoods wisdom. It's also to say that the crowd that embraced him (and right-wing websites were overjoyed with his speech) is never going to be won over by "logic" or "facts" or anything that we believe can use to convince people. They are invested in a monolithic lie that some kind of Christian morality will make everything better.

But what they don't see, and what they'd deny until the end of time, is that their desire for a nation based on biblical principles would make the founders they revere recoil in horror from them. And that the dude up there in the photo under Robertson would totally understand where they're coming from.

2/27/2015

Gun Nuts Losing Their Goddamned Minds Over Proposed Bullet Ban

It all starts with bureaucracy, of course. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives, which has "Firearms" right there in its name, regulates ammunition based on laws passed by Congress. One of those laws, the Law Enforcement Officers Protection Act of 1986, which passed 400-21 in the House and 97-1 in the Senate and was signed by God Reagan, says that any ammunition that "may be used in a handgun," is made of certain materials, like steel, and can pierce body armor can be banned. That's in the actual law. In fact, if the ATF didn't seek to ban those kinds of bullets, it would be violating the law. Pretty simple, no? Pretty cut and dried, no? If Congress doesn't like it, it can change the law.

So now there's this ammo, 5.56mm constituent projectiles of SS109 and M855 cartridges, which had been exempt from the law because they weren't used in handguns. This was the "sporting purposes" exception to the law. But now there are handguns that can fire these steel-tipped, armor-piercing bullets. The ATF is proposing banning the manufacture, sale and import of them. You can keep all the ones you have or will buy in your hording frenzy. But after that, the law says, the safety of police officers comes before your desire to hunt deer wearing bulletproof vests.

Of course, the gun-fellating right has lost its mind over this proposal because the ATF is part of the executive branch and that means the Negro communist Muslim president who hates America must want to kill all the white people and take their guns in order to burn the Constitution and install a Sharia law caliphate in the country. Or something like that.

"Obama to ban bullets by executive action," says the headline at the Washington Examiner (motto: "If you think the Washington Times is batshit crazy, you haven't met us"). "It's starting," the paper warns, "As promised, President Obama is using executive actions to impose gun control on the nation, targeting the top-selling rifle in the country, the AR-15 style semi-automatic, with a ban on one of the most-used AR bullets by sportsmen and target shooters." Which would be true except for the part where President Obama is not involved at all in this decision and has signed no executive action on it.

Yes, the ammo is used by the AR-15 rifle, the one beloved by mass shooters and men with tiny penises (sometimes one and the same). The NRA gets all folksy about the threat: "If they can’t ban the pie, so the thinking apparently goes, they might at least get the apples." That metaphor would work if there were only one kind of bullet or apple. If it turns out Macouns were poisonous when baked in a pie, you'd probably just say, "Well, screw it. Time to use Cortlands." You wouldn't gripe, "I'll never be able to make pie again."

The attitude of the gun-huffers is best exemplified by obvious sportsman Rush Limbaugh, who said on his show, Flabby the Deaf Clown's Masturbatorium of Hate, "It's the first. It's the beginning. You don't think all bullets except those held by the military and the cops are the objective? This is how we end up losing these...[Obama] wants to take guns out of everybody's hands, and if he can't do that, he's gonna take the bullets that go in the guns out of everybody's hands, and he's just begun that process today." Anyone who believes that deserves to be a shut-in with only one station available on his tiny radio.

The Rude Pundit's favorite comments came from a lackadaisical gun store owner in Springfield, Missouri, who is a former cop. He doesn't think the ban will happen; however, "Gun people tend to create their own drama," he said. "If we freaked out every time BATF discusses something we'd be freaking out on this all the time. Sometimes gun owners are their own worst enemy."

As for the usefulness of the ammo? While you'll hear a bunch about how popular the bullets are, this Springfield store owner said that "most of the target ranges his customers use have steel targets that can be damaged by the steel-tipped rounds so they don't buy that kind of ammunition."

They do like using it for "plinking," which is shooting bottles and crap, although unless those bottles have vests on, you could probably use something else. Also, they like it for home defense. What's more likely? Your home being invaded by murderers wearing body armor? Or some criminal using the bullets in an AR pistol to take out a cop?

2/26/2015

Texas Conservatives Celebrate Hating Gays in an Incredibly Gay Way


That pink-decorated cake being sliced by men holding hands is not for the joyous occasion of two of those fellows getting married. Oh, no. That was an event to mark the 10th anniversary of the amendment to the Texas constitution that declared "Marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man and one woman." It also added, dickishly, "This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage."

You might say, "Oh, sweet Rude Pundit, why would you think this looks like a pair of gay men cutting cake after taking their vows?" And the Rude Pundit would show you this:


These pictures couldn't be queerer if under the table was another dude blowing the big guy with the cake knife. (And, for the record, it totally looks like that big guy is being blown by a dude under the table while his new husband looks on approvingly.)

It was actually part of "Faith and Family Day," obviously the one day a year that Texans can express how much they love their god and how much they care about their families. The other 364? Fuck 'em raw.

Faith and Family Day involves a murder of nutter right-wing groups coming together to tell you how much they hate, hate, hate shit while telling you how much you need to love, love, love their GodJeebus. If you went, you got to hear Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick tell the gathered families, "We can be the leader in education, we can be the leader in creating jobs, we can be the leader in all that stuff, but we really need to be the leader for Christ. That’s the answer, that’s the hope that this state and country must look to...I don’t know if the end days are today, or a thousand years from now. That’s why we have to stand for Christ in all that we do." Obviously, inclusiveness was the message he wanted to impart: we'll include anyone who sniffs Christ's filthy feet. Muslims, Jews, atheists, and assorted heathens need not apply.

By the way, this speech followed Rep. Jeff Leach imploring everyone not to allow Sharia law to take over. That sound you hear is Jesus slapping his forehead as he thinks, "Irony just got crucified in the Lone Star State."

2/25/2015

Ben Carson Goes Down on Phyllis Schlafly

In a clusterfuck of stupid and deranged, Ben Carson, that black guy conservatives like, has written a bewilderingly naive piece praising anti-women's rights activist Phyllis Schlafly, who, yes, is still alive after 90 years of polluting the earth, demonstrating quite clearly that there is no God. The occasion is that Schlafly will be given some goddamned award at the Conservative Political Action Conference, an orgy of lunatic right-wing activists finger fucking each other, submissive politicians begging for a spanking, and slavering hordes of onlookers hoping to take a selfie masturbating near their nutzoid kings and queens.

Carson pulls down Schlafly's threadbare white underwear, licks his lips, parts the folds, and gets to work: "[S]he has been a tireless advocate for the nuclear family, for traditional marriage and for common-sense conservatism that resists injecting government into every aspect of our lives." Carson, being a doctor, is skilled at flicking his tongue in a way that makes Schlafly twitch with pleasure: "Schlafly succeeded because she was intellectually honest, impassioned and skilled in not only communicating the fight, but also in waging it. Likewise, she has relentlessly fought for life, recognizing early on that the Roe v. Wade decision would be one of the Supreme Court's worst decisions." And he brings her to screaming orgasm as he goes in hard on that droopy nub: "Her voice is as relevant and strong today as it was more than a half-century ago."

Indeed, Schlafly did more to set back the cause of women's rights than just about anyone, presenting herself as the anti-Steinem, the anti-Abzug, the very anti-Friedan, a Coulter before Coulter was cool, cruelly condemning single women and the LGBT community for undermining her rigid patriarchal understanding of the world. And even today she fearlessly treads into controversial waters with the batshit confidence of those who fight the lumbering beast of progress.

In January of this year, she offered her take on rape on college campuses: "The imbalance of far more women than men at colleges has been a factor in the various sex scandals that have made news in the last couple of years." Yes, yes, because there's just too much pussy being flaunted in weak men's faces that they have no choice but to do some raping.

Shortly after that profound reasoning, Schlafly took on same-sex marriage, comparing it to abortion, which, if you think about it, you shouldn't. She's got an awesome solution for the nation should the Supreme Court let the gays get all connubial: "Congress should enact laws denying funding and withholding jurisdiction from enforcement of any redefinition of marriage by the federal judiciary." That's known as "The Hissy Fit Strategem" or "Where's My Wubbie?"

So, yes, the Rude Pundit joins Ben Carson in saluting Phyllis Schlafly. For something like 400 years, she's been a consistent, festering boil on the low part of the right ass cheek of freedom. Whether she's warning college graduates not to date feminists, even the pretty ones, or attacking pre-K education because it allows women to work, she has been the doyenne of bullshit misogyny and given comfort to sexist motherfuckers everywhere.

Late, Late Post Today

Had to break out the old slingshot to take down a giant. Cleaning up because that fucker bled.

Back soon with more motivational rudeness.

2/24/2015

Can We Stop Pretending Anything Will Happen to Bill O'Reilly?

Yes, yes, yes, David Corn, you are correct: Fox "news" serial felcher Bill O'Reilly exaggerated his reporting from a "war zone" during the Falkland Islands conflict. At best, he was at a carnival that lost control. You got him, man, caught him dead to rights. He is a lying motherfucker who only compounds his crimes by insisting that he's not lying. He is a hypocritical cockhead, a bullying shitheel, and a fraudulent, petty bitch. And, yeah, yeah, his lies are worse than Brian Williams's because at least the NBC anchor didn't pretend to have saved somebody's life.

So the fuck what? All that reporting and two bucks will get you a tall Starbucks that tastes like bitter defeat (the new flavor for the end of winter).

The Rude Pundit's been there, Mother Jones. He had proof, backed up by the analysis of others, including Murdoch's own New York Post, that Ann Coulter was a lazy plagiarist. And we never heard from her again, right?

No one on the right cares about right-wing liars. They just don't. When is the last time a conservative was forced into the wilderness because they lied? Drug addict Rush Limbaugh was barely scratched when his oxy abuse and doctor shopping were revealed. Oliver North and G. Gordon Liddy are legit filthy criminals who have had large followings. Even in politics, David Vitter can do scat games and infant role-play with a whore, and he's not only still a senator, but he'll probably become governor of Louisiana. The only time a Republican is sent to the boneyard is if he gets some hot gay action, like poor Larry Craig.

And lying? Shit, if conservatives didn't lie, radio stations would go dead and Fox "news" would be five minutes of Shep Smith and hours of blonde women staring at the camera, smiling, hoping sweet death takes them soon. Lies are the fuel that runs the outrage engine that gets the base amped up and ready to vote for idiots. Lies are the titty milk to red state babies, needing to be nuzzled and told their fears and hatred have a basis in reality.

There's an entire industry devoted to proving that the right-wing media lies constantly. Has it driven a single person off the air because of the sheer weight of lies? Last time the Rude Pundit checked, Sean Hannity, Hugh Hewitt, Laura Ingraham, and the rest are still out there, peddling the same worn out lies. That's because the core audience fuckin' loves it. They lap up the lies with more intensity than we lap up the revelation of the lies. As long as there's cash to provide Roger Ailes with taint powder and man-boob slings, nothing's gonna change.

Bill O'Reilly could be telling us about how he single-handedly defeated Chang Kai-shek with a bamboo spear while getting a blow job from a grateful female SVA soldier, he could say how he was driving the van that took the trapped Argo gang to the Tehran airport, he could tell us that he faced down an angry Predator in the jungles of Nicaragua while ripping out the throats of Sandinistas and tossing their steaming guts at the monster, and most of the shut-ins, droolers, and maniacs watching would insist that anyone questioning him is a liberal asshat who is only jealous of O'Reilly's manly manliness. It's only sweeter when he threatens people with the wandering producer of justice.

So, sorry, everyone. Find another issue to hump. Bill O'Reilly will be on the air as long as there's breath in his body and blackness in his heart.

2/23/2015

Cold Here? It's Crazy Fuckin' Hot Down Under


You want climate change evidence? There's your fuckin' climate change evidence, numbnuts. That's a chart of the number of days per year where temperatures were above the 99th percentile for average temperatures in Australia. In other words, the number of days that were in the warmest 1% recorded between 1910 and 2013.  Now, the Rude Pundit is no mad statistician, but he can spot a trend. In fact, things have gotten so fucked that half of those days have occurred in the last 20 years.

But, no, really, let's burn some more fossil fuel and dig for coal for shits and giggles.

Australia is in the midst of another heat wave season. Some areas got some relief this week, but that's only because they were hit by a pair of tropical cyclones.  Of course, they didn't hit where the massive bushfires are, but that's because Nature is a tricky bitch.  The smoke from those fires in Western Australia has almost reached Antarctica.

An independent, crowd-funded group, the Climate Council, released a report this month detailing how fucked beyond fucked Australia is by global warming.  Some of its findings, reached by synthesizing existing information, include:

"The number of heatwave days has increased over much of Australia, particularly the eastern half."
"Heatwaves are occurring more frequently in terms of the number of heatwave events per summer."
"The duration of the longest yearly heatwave is increasing."
"The first heatwave in the season is occurring earlier over almost all of Australia."
"The hottest day in a heatwave – its peak – is becoming even hotter over almost all of Australia below the tropics."

Even more particularly: In Sydney, heatwaves now start 19 days earlier than they did in 1950. In Adelaide, heatwaves are 4.3C degrees hotter, and there's double the number of heat wave days. "Heat wave" here means it reaches 40C, easily. Oh, that's 104 degrees Fahrenheit. Often it's 116 or pushing 120.

By the way, the reason that the Climate Council had to be independently funded is because Australia's Prime Minister, Tony Abbott, is basically George W. Bush without the charm. Yeah, he abolished the government's Climate Commission, which had been charged with looking into ways to avert climate change. He did this in September 2013, during the hottest year ever in Australia.  In fact, in 2013, Australia had its hottest day, hottest month, and hottest season ever, too.  The good news is that people are generally sick of Abbott, so he might be out of office soon. It remains to be seen if he's replaced politicians who are willing to do something about the climate down under, which, by 2090, if we do nothing, could make The Road Warrior look like a pleasant weekend with friends.

Yeah, it's colder than fuck this winter up here in the states. We just wanna stay indoors. But, holy shit, if you were in Australia, you'd be diving into the ocean, sharks or not.